I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
