Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
