The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
