It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
