I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
