you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
