I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
