Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
