i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize