You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
