Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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