so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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