On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
