She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize