I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
