Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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