i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize