don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
