my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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