Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
