beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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