Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
