I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
