if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
