how can u be prego again
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize