His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Are we still banned from the library?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
