If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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