your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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