Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
