it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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