i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
