I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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