I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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