On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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