remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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