My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
