Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Randomize
