She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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