Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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