Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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