I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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