yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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