HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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