how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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