Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
