I wish my penis had an off switch
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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