I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
