somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize