I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
