Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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