Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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