On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
