You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
