there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
