so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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