my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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