I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
