Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
